I've made mistakes. They keep me company. Oh man, what's up with me?
 
alice
alice
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Alice. 22. Tattooed. Pierced. Boring.

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Animation and animanga, Body modification, cooking, gardening / Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, Highschool of the Dead, Paradise Kiss, Toukyou Akazukin / Adventure Time, Chowder, Fan Boy and Chum Chum, Good Eats, The Misadventures of Flapjack, Skins, Supernatural, Weeds / John Saul, Stephen King, Poppy Z. Brite, Chuck Palahniuk

April 2013
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alice [userpic]

AM I THE ONLY ONE HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING LJ TO LOAD?!

I don't know whats up with me lately, but I feel so irratable. I just keep getting irritated at everyone for anything at all.

My relationship with Andrew seems to be on the rocks. I don't know if he realizes it or not, or if he even thinks that. Knowing him, he probably thinks everything is fine. We always seem mad at each other. I don't know what's happened. I think there have been little things/triggers that have happened that has put a strain on our relationship. First it was me hugging Elliott, then it was him drinking, me going to prom, him yelling at me before prom, and whatever else. I feel a lot differently than I did before. I lost a lot of respect for him when he told me he drank that beer. It might've been one beer, but it still meant something to me. Maybe everyone thinks I overreacted, but I felt betrayed, lied to. It hurt my feelings, made me lose my trust in him, and now I seem to always be irritated at him. Why do I feel so irriated at him? I can't even look at him the same and that bothers me. I held so much respect for him not drinking, I actually kind of bragged about it. I was proud that he didn't do that anymore. It bothered me when he drank before. Now I feel like he doesn't like me as much as he did. We used to just randomly say "I Love You" all the time. For a while, it annoyed the hell out of me because I didn't feel like he meant it, but then he kept saying it and I finally began to believe it and it made me happy. We only say it when we leave each other or we get off the phone. While I was sitting on the phone, I kept thinking of asking him if he still liked me or not. I felt dumb asking it, so I didn't. Sometimes I feel like he does and then other times I feel like I'm in the way or that he couldn't care less if I was around. I usually mostly feel like he doesn't care. And that's just as of late. He says he does, but we don't seem to be able to talk to each other. Maybe I'm just going through a phase and this is going along with me being sad all the time. Maybe something really is wrong, I don't know.

alice [userpic]

I hate how we have different priorities in our lives. We have different goals and different futures. I actually want to do something with my life, I don't want to make $8/hr. I want to be able to have the things that I want in life. I want to be able to afford the things I need. I don't want to be like my family and worry about bills and groceries, whether or not we're going to have lights this month or if we're going to be fed. I don't think I'm a bad person for wanting the best in life. I don't think I should be sorry for wanting to go to college and get away from this place. I'm not sorry and I hate to say it, but I don't care what you think about that. If you can't deal with me wanting to go to school and make something out of my life, then you don't support me and I'll leave you behind just like everyone else. I don't want to be like these stupid teenagers that I've seen who think they're going to be eighteen forever, who think they'll be able to live with their parents for the rest of their lives without paying bills, who go out and get plastered every weekend, who smoke crack and weed, who just deal with what they have and don't do anything about their problems. I don't want to live here. I don't want to live with my parents. I hate drinking, its stupid. Intoxication is a waste of fucking time. Kill your fucking body all you want to. I don't care. Waste your life. Sit in a stupid hellhole for the rest of your life. Work the same low paying job for the rest of your life. Drive an ugly peice of crap that'll barely get you to work or to your stupid parties. Spend all of your money on booze, shows, and crack. You only get one fucking life, one body, and if you screw those things up, you're fucked for the rest of your life. My life has been fucked enough, I want to make the most out of my life. I want an education. I don't want to live in Lenoir. I want to go to college and have a career vs a job. I want to be able to buy my own fucking house, my own fucking car, and be able to not have to worry about if my paycheck is going to go to bills or feeding me this week. I don't want to waste my life away. I don't want to work in a grocery store for the rest of my life. Is that so bad? Am I so horrible because I actually have goals? And what makes me so bad that I don't agree with alcohol or drugs? No one has any fucking logic nowadays, I have finally figured that out. I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm better off alone.

alice [userpic]

I'm so fucking depressed. I don't even feel like talking about it. I just don't feel good enough. I don't feel good enough for Andrew or for anyone. I sat in my room after I got off the phone with Andrew and cried for a good fifteen or twenty minutes. Awesome, right? I have so many doubts about my relationship with Andrew and about my future that its driving me nuts. I can't take much more of this. In fact, at 11:11 when I usually make one of my "wishes" (because I'm a fucking dork) I wished that I would really die tomorrow. Wow, I need some fucking Prozaccc! Ha, I've pretty much failed at life.

Prom is tomorrow. David is coming to get me at six and our mom's are going to take pictures of us out in my lovely redneck yard. And then we're going to go to Hibriten at 7:15 to have our pictures professionally taken. His mom and my mom are splitting a picture set thing. Then I guess we're going to chill until prom starts at 8:30. Prom ends at around midnight and we're going to go back to his house to watch movies and pig out on pizza. I think I'll probably stay over.

We're getting a female miniature beagle puppy tomorrow. Woooooo!

alice [userpic]

I'm cutting this so you people on my friendslist wont bitch about posts without comments and my bitching about shit that doesnt matter to anyone.

i dont trust you. )

alice [userpic]

i'm tired of this fucking room
everytime i come in here, i end up crying
i'm sick of puffy eyes

alice [userpic]

I feel like such a bitch.

I took my CATS Test today and I couldn't talk to Andrew until after, so I called him when I finished. And like as soon as I got on the phone with him, he called two other people on his cellphone while he was talking to me on his housephone. It set me off because I only talked to him like once on the phone yesterday and that was the first time I had got a chance to call him. But I was quiet about it for a while. He wouldn't talk, he'd just be like "talk to me" and that was it. I kept thinking about how he doesn't like talking to me, no one likes talking to me. Then I started thinking about all these's stupid things that make me feel like a bad person and shit. Like, oh I bet he's already found another girl to leave me for and I bet they talk on the phone all the time. And stupid shit like that. I started crying and he didn't notice until I started getting more angry. I've just been feeling like no one really wants to be around me lately, and just... I have no idea. I feel really horrible about it. Everything he would say on the phone, I would be like "oh, it doesn't matter." I just feel really bad because I don't feel like I'm worth talking to.

I was so upset after that, so I decided to take a shower. I scrubbed my arms until they almost bled. Seriously, I have these little red spots all over my arms. Kind of like rugburn. Yeah. It felt good at the time and got my mind off of how shitty I've been feeling lately.

alice [userpic]

GODDAMN.
Seriously.

Today wasn't so great.

I've been stressed as hell for several reasons and today it all came crashing down.
Andrew came over and picked me up to take me to his house. Everything was fine. Yeah, I was quite moody for some odd reason. But lately, I've been so emotional that if you were to say anything that I could take the wrong way, I most likely would take it the wrong way and burst into tears. We were standing in the kitchen at his house and something was said and it upset me more than it should have. I don't even know what he said that upset me so much, but I went into his room and laid down. He followed me and got on top of me and started asking me what was wrong. He wouldn't get off of me, I kept telling him that nothing was wrong and that he needed to get off of me. His mom called him into the kitchen and he finally got off of me. He was upset that I wouldn't tell him what was wrong and started cussing and freaking out. He came back in his room and started screaming at me to tell him what was wrong. He sat down and grabbed my wrists and shook me, which made me start crying and sobbing harder. His mom came down the hall and told him to calm down. When he let me go, I put on my shoes and my belt and kept sobbing. I planned to walk down the road to Dustin's or Micheal's and call my mom to come and get me. While he was yelling at me and restraining me, all I could think is how this would end up in a breakup and how I would never talk to him again. Instead, it didn't end up in a breakup. He calmed down and I tried to tell him what's been going on. I failed at that. He apologized and we went to sleep for a while. I woke up with a huge headache and feeling like crap. I finally got him awake and got him to take me home. It really freaked me out when he got upset with me, especially when he grabbed my wrists. I still can't believe that he freaked out on me so badly.

He kept telling me that I needed to tell him when stuff was wrong, that he wanted to know and such. It got me thinking about my past relationships. I've always had a hard time talking to my boyfriends. That was one of the reasons my past relationships all ended. I guess that's why I was afraid to go back out with Andrew.

But if you missed the journal entry where I had all of my little worries/insecurities/etc that have me stressed out, here's a list:
I have schoolwork that I haven't done that's backed up all the way to November; I have my end of the year CATS test in April, which I will most likely fail; I have to take my SATS HAHAHA; I have to schedule placement testing for the college; I still can't drive, I still have no license; our house payment is like two months late, I still have no job, we're close to losing our house for the 897543857487 millionth time; I have a fucking gyenocologist appointment next month, oh joy to the motherfucking world; I can't seem to trust anyone anymore; I don't trust my boyfriend and that hurts both of us; I won't admit that I'm attached to him [even though I am] because I don't want to get hurt again; I've been wondering if this is really going to work or not and after today, I think he doubts me; I CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING RIGHT, seriously; I HAVE NO FRIENDS (seriously, the only people I hangout with are Carolina and Andrew. That's sad.); I still don't know ANYFUCKINGTHING about prom, nothing about my ticket or anything at all!!!; I've been bloated as hell and I feel like shit and I feel fat and I feel sad and I don't have a single peice of clothing without cathair on it and all kinds of shit; I'm VERRRRRRRRRRRRRY worried about my future; I'M FUCKING FAT, REALLY I AM; I'm torn between either moving out when I turn eighteen or staying here until I transfer to a four year college [I don't want to stay here because I hate it here, but if I stay here and become a full-time student I can still be on my dad's health insurance and free rent is kinda cool.]; I'm doubting my plans for school, what if I don't like my classes? What if I change my mind?; and stufffffffffffffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to get the fuck out of Lenior for a while. I need to get away. I wish it was summer.

alice [userpic]

omg alice: i'm trying my best not to get attached him again so its like i'm trying to drive myself away from him.
omg alice: i dont know how to tell him that though
woah caro: awww i know how that is.
omg alice: yeah its hard. and i dont do it on purpose. :|

alice [userpic]

i don't trust him. i think he's up to something.
you know he doesn't like me at all now. how the
hell can you trust him?

alice [userpic]

So my life has become the biggest mess and unmess (not a worddd!) at the same time as of this week.

At the beginning of the week, Josh and I made plans to hangout on Thursday. And that didn't happen at all and I think he's pisses. But I think, the next day or something I get this instant message from Andrew [for anyone who doesn't know, I dated this guy three times etc etc] apologizing and shiz. We start talking and we make places to meet up at Caro's the next day. But I suck at this memory shit, so just to keep it short and simple: Andrew and I are dating again. Yeah, fourth time. I can practically see people being like "omg, this is the Rick thing like all over again." Everyone seems upset about it. And when I mean everyone, I mean half the people around here have their panties in a wad about it and most of the people I talk to are practically being all "shammmmmme alice, shame on youuu." Whatever. Whatever happens, happens. I've informed him if anything happens like the last times, its over. Done. And I'm never talking to him again. All of that is true. I hate this breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, getting back together shit. Its pointless and I really didn't want to have to focus on a relationship right now, but I don't know. Some things seem right and some things don't; what can I say? But I'll say this: if shit happens, then I'm not dwelling on it. Heartbreak is an imaginary thing. I'm done with dating my exboyfriends. I made a "New Years Resolution" not to date any more of my exboyfriends. OH SO YEAH I'M HORRIBLE.

I don't know.

It seems like most of my life is coming together though, so that's good. I seem to be growing up in a sense. Tomorrow [Saturday] I'm going with my bestfriend David to look at tuxedoes and prom dresses because we're going to Hibriten's prom in April. The 18th, I have to go apply for financial aid.

Jonathan is talking about moving back here. Well, not in Lenoir or Hickory, but in North Carolina. We're talking about getting an apartment together when I turn eighteen, which would be super sweet. Mmhm.

Things are exciting!
Well, not that exciting, but I'm really content.

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