I've made mistakes. They keep me company. Oh man, what's up with me?
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Alice. 22. Tattooed. Pierced. Boring.

Animation and animanga, Body modification, cooking, gardening / Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, Highschool of the Dead, Paradise Kiss, Toukyou Akazukin / Adventure Time, Chowder, Fan Boy and Chum Chum, Good Eats, The Misadventures of Flapjack, Skins, Supernatural, Weeds / John Saul, Stephen King, Poppy Z. Brite, Chuck Palahniuk

April 2013
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alice [userpic]


I don't know whats up with me lately, but I feel so irratable. I just keep getting irritated at everyone for anything at all.

My relationship with Andrew seems to be on the rocks. I don't know if he realizes it or not, or if he even thinks that. Knowing him, he probably thinks everything is fine. We always seem mad at each other. I don't know what's happened. I think there have been little things/triggers that have happened that has put a strain on our relationship. First it was me hugging Elliott, then it was him drinking, me going to prom, him yelling at me before prom, and whatever else. I feel a lot differently than I did before. I lost a lot of respect for him when he told me he drank that beer. It might've been one beer, but it still meant something to me. Maybe everyone thinks I overreacted, but I felt betrayed, lied to. It hurt my feelings, made me lose my trust in him, and now I seem to always be irritated at him. Why do I feel so irriated at him? I can't even look at him the same and that bothers me. I held so much respect for him not drinking, I actually kind of bragged about it. I was proud that he didn't do that anymore. It bothered me when he drank before. Now I feel like he doesn't like me as much as he did. We used to just randomly say "I Love You" all the time. For a while, it annoyed the hell out of me because I didn't feel like he meant it, but then he kept saying it and I finally began to believe it and it made me happy. We only say it when we leave each other or we get off the phone. While I was sitting on the phone, I kept thinking of asking him if he still liked me or not. I felt dumb asking it, so I didn't. Sometimes I feel like he does and then other times I feel like I'm in the way or that he couldn't care less if I was around. I usually mostly feel like he doesn't care. And that's just as of late. He says he does, but we don't seem to be able to talk to each other. Maybe I'm just going through a phase and this is going along with me being sad all the time. Maybe something really is wrong, I don't know.

alice [userpic]

I'm cutting this so you people on my friendslist wont bitch about posts without comments and my bitching about shit that doesnt matter to anyone.

i dont trust you. )

alice [userpic]

I need to think things through.
Get things sorted out.
Before I do something I'll regret.

alice [userpic]

I'm driving you away,
I just know it.

Mood why fucking bother?
Tags: !oh_arisu, !public, angst
alice [userpic]

I feel so distant.

Music A Thorn For Every Heart - Streetcar
Tags: !oh_arisu, !public, angst
alice [userpic]


Today wasn't so great.

I've been stressed as hell for several reasons and today it all came crashing down.
Andrew came over and picked me up to take me to his house. Everything was fine. Yeah, I was quite moody for some odd reason. But lately, I've been so emotional that if you were to say anything that I could take the wrong way, I most likely would take it the wrong way and burst into tears. We were standing in the kitchen at his house and something was said and it upset me more than it should have. I don't even know what he said that upset me so much, but I went into his room and laid down. He followed me and got on top of me and started asking me what was wrong. He wouldn't get off of me, I kept telling him that nothing was wrong and that he needed to get off of me. His mom called him into the kitchen and he finally got off of me. He was upset that I wouldn't tell him what was wrong and started cussing and freaking out. He came back in his room and started screaming at me to tell him what was wrong. He sat down and grabbed my wrists and shook me, which made me start crying and sobbing harder. His mom came down the hall and told him to calm down. When he let me go, I put on my shoes and my belt and kept sobbing. I planned to walk down the road to Dustin's or Micheal's and call my mom to come and get me. While he was yelling at me and restraining me, all I could think is how this would end up in a breakup and how I would never talk to him again. Instead, it didn't end up in a breakup. He calmed down and I tried to tell him what's been going on. I failed at that. He apologized and we went to sleep for a while. I woke up with a huge headache and feeling like crap. I finally got him awake and got him to take me home. It really freaked me out when he got upset with me, especially when he grabbed my wrists. I still can't believe that he freaked out on me so badly.

He kept telling me that I needed to tell him when stuff was wrong, that he wanted to know and such. It got me thinking about my past relationships. I've always had a hard time talking to my boyfriends. That was one of the reasons my past relationships all ended. I guess that's why I was afraid to go back out with Andrew.

But if you missed the journal entry where I had all of my little worries/insecurities/etc that have me stressed out, here's a list:
I have schoolwork that I haven't done that's backed up all the way to November; I have my end of the year CATS test in April, which I will most likely fail; I have to take my SATS HAHAHA; I have to schedule placement testing for the college; I still can't drive, I still have no license; our house payment is like two months late, I still have no job, we're close to losing our house for the 897543857487 millionth time; I have a fucking gyenocologist appointment next month, oh joy to the motherfucking world; I can't seem to trust anyone anymore; I don't trust my boyfriend and that hurts both of us; I won't admit that I'm attached to him [even though I am] because I don't want to get hurt again; I've been wondering if this is really going to work or not and after today, I think he doubts me; I CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING RIGHT, seriously; I HAVE NO FRIENDS (seriously, the only people I hangout with are Carolina and Andrew. That's sad.); I still don't know ANYFUCKINGTHING about prom, nothing about my ticket or anything at all!!!; I've been bloated as hell and I feel like shit and I feel fat and I feel sad and I don't have a single peice of clothing without cathair on it and all kinds of shit; I'm VERRRRRRRRRRRRRY worried about my future; I'M FUCKING FAT, REALLY I AM; I'm torn between either moving out when I turn eighteen or staying here until I transfer to a four year college [I don't want to stay here because I hate it here, but if I stay here and become a full-time student I can still be on my dad's health insurance and free rent is kinda cool.]; I'm doubting my plans for school, what if I don't like my classes? What if I change my mind?; and stufffffffffffffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to get the fuck out of Lenior for a while. I need to get away. I wish it was summer.

alice [userpic]

I think I'm getting attached.
I don't feel like avoiding it anymore.

... )

Music Something Corporate - Konstantine
Tags: !oh_arisu, !public, andrew, angst
alice [userpic]

I need to learn to open up more.
To be more outgoing.

Who wants to go streaking?!?

Music Boys Night Out - Victor Versus The Victim
Tags: !oh_arisu, !public, angst
alice [userpic]

i don't trust him. i think he's up to something.
you know he doesn't like me at all now. how the
hell can you trust him?

alice [userpic]

What is it with people and creating drama just for me? Its lame as fuck. I'm not getting into that, though. The people aren't worth talking about.

Tomorrow I'm going with Andrew to watch him get his tattoo finished and he's taking me to Victoria Secret to buy undies. ;] lol. This is the first time I've ever had a boyfriend on Valentines Day. Last year, I was kind of dating Rick, but we were on a "break."

But, yeah. Happy Valentines Day.

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