I've made mistakes. They keep me company. Oh man, what's up with me?
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Alice. 22. Tattooed. Pierced. Boring.

Animation and animanga, Body modification, cooking, gardening / Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, Highschool of the Dead, Paradise Kiss, Toukyou Akazukin / Adventure Time, Chowder, Fan Boy and Chum Chum, Good Eats, The Misadventures of Flapjack, Skins, Supernatural, Weeds / John Saul, Stephen King, Poppy Z. Brite, Chuck Palahniuk

April 2013
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alice [userpic]

I'm so fucking depressed. I don't even feel like talking about it. I just don't feel good enough. I don't feel good enough for Andrew or for anyone. I sat in my room after I got off the phone with Andrew and cried for a good fifteen or twenty minutes. Awesome, right? I have so many doubts about my relationship with Andrew and about my future that its driving me nuts. I can't take much more of this. In fact, at 11:11 when I usually make one of my "wishes" (because I'm a fucking dork) I wished that I would really die tomorrow. Wow, I need some fucking Prozaccc! Ha, I've pretty much failed at life.

Prom is tomorrow. David is coming to get me at six and our mom's are going to take pictures of us out in my lovely redneck yard. And then we're going to go to Hibriten at 7:15 to have our pictures professionally taken. His mom and my mom are splitting a picture set thing. Then I guess we're going to chill until prom starts at 8:30. Prom ends at around midnight and we're going to go back to his house to watch movies and pig out on pizza. I think I'll probably stay over.

We're getting a female miniature beagle puppy tomorrow. Woooooo!

alice [userpic]

Everything is cool now. No worries.

I don't know who I am.

Or what I'm doing.

Or what I want.

These last few entries have been so planned out. I had everything all planned out. And now, I don't know what is going on. I can't handle anything. I so fucking weak and so fucking tired of everything. I hate who I am and I hate these stupid thoughts in my head. I hate these stupid moodswings and these changes in what I want. I don't know how much more I can take.

I hate how emo this is going.

I can't believe how positive I've been for the last while.

I've never been that positive.

Now I'm back at my all-time low and I hate everything.

I seriously feel like just slitting my wrist wide fucking open because every single person I know is shit. Every single person that I've loved has left me. I think this is utter bullshit coming out of my fingers, but its true. I feel like such a hopeless depressed fucking teenager. Its so stupid. I know all about this psychological shit. I know the statistics. I know that this is just something I'm going through, but this is how I fucking feel.

Every person I've ever met has turned out to be a selfish pig. I hate it. People only talk to me on AIM because they have no one else better to talk to. No one stays with me unless they're tired of being alone or what something from my house. No one calls unless they're just so fucking lonely that they can't help it. I'm a horrible person for thinking these thoughts, but I honestly hate everyone and every single thing that has come into my life. Right now, I really do.

I can't take this.

I just want to get in my mom's shitty car and drive as far as I can or better yet just crash into something while not wearing my seatbelt and go through the windshield. I can't take how I feel right now. I'm shut up in this little room. I litterally shut the door and locked it. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to be here. I don't know how to put it in simpler terms.

What I hate the most is that I say and I felt I FUCKING FELTTTT like I didn't give a shit about someone. Now I keep having these stupid fucking dreams about him and they won't fucking go away. How the hell can a fucking bastard like him break your heart THREE MOTHERFUCKING TIMES? HUH HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW?????! I don't get it. I don't. I've blocked him completely out of my life, I tell everyone I fucking hate him. I made my AIM private and deleted his screename. HE CAN'T EVEN SEE ME ON AIM AND I CAN'T SEE HIM EITHER. And YET I still look for his screename to sign on. Everytime someone fucking signs on I have to look and see if its him. Everytime someone calls, I wish it was him. I get fucking disappointed when its not him!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCKK? Better yet is the fact that he hates me as much as I say that I hate him. Even better yet, I shouldn't feel anything for him but hatred since he left me to fuck JUST FUCKKKK FUCK FUCKKK every single person that he's ever met. I just.. I don't know. I don't understand this at all. I want him to get out of my fucking head. I want him to just disappear. I want him gone. I want him out and its so stupid that at the same time I FUCKING MISS HIM AND I STILL FUCKING GIVE A SHIT. And its so stupid but I still give a shit and its even worse that not a fucking HOUR goes by that I don't think ofhim, that something doesn't remind me of him. Every single inch of my house reminds me of this shithead boy that I should fucking despise! But no! I go in my room, I remember him sleeping there. I couldn't even sleep in there for a while! I LIED! It wasn't because my room was so cold! I couldn't stand the thought of the guy that I keep thinking of lying in the same spot as me! I come in here, I remember him sitting with me on the computer or him laying on the bed. I go in the kitchen, I remember him making a fucking sandwich. I go in my PARENTS room, I remember sitting with him. I can't even go outside. I don't get it. I want this feeling to go away. I want to get over it. I want to forget. JUST LET ME FORGETTTT!

Everything is so pointless. I don't want to feel the way I do. I want to be unstoppable. I want to be immortal. I want to not have any feelings at all. I want nothing to phase me! I want to be buried six feet under. I really do.

I need prozac.

If you read this shit, congrats. No cookie for you. And do me a favor, don't you DARE fucking comment on this and try to make me feel better. You are a load of shit if you do this. FUCK YOU.

Mood i need fucking prozac!Mood i need fucking prozac!
Music Taking Back Sunday - Eleven
Tags: !oh_arisu, !public, !rant, angst, depression
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