I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about the future and kinds of shit. This is really weird, but I'm typing this out mostly because I just watched this movie called The Jacket. The main character is in an asylum and as treatment, his doctor puts him in a straight-jacket and then in a morgue drawer. The guy sees visions from his past and partly lives in the future. Its weird, but yeah. I don't know why it made me think of these sorts of things. But I've finally convinced myself to say "fuck everyone else and be happy." I'm done making other people happy. I'm done with relationships for the time being; even the emotional and sexual parts. All of it really. I want to make myself happy. When I was little, my nanny sat me down and told me never to say "I Love You" to a boy, even if I felt anything for them. She told me to never say it or make myself believe that I was inlove, that it was just a feeling and that feelings change with time. She said not to fall inlove while I'm young; I'll only get hurt. She said not to trust a boy if he said he loved me, she told me that I didn't have to say it back. I should have lived by her words, but I didn't. I remember once I was in love with someone for what seemed to me to be forever. We knew each other all of our lives. We dated a few times. The last time we dated, I was certain that he was the one. We took a few breaks and then he went off to do things with another girl. I still loved him. I still wanted him, even if he was tainted. He broke my heart for the final time. I was sick of it. I convinced myself to ignore his pleas. I went on to find someone else. Someone so different from who I've been with before. Someone who really didn't care, but he got me off of this other person. My love faded for the first person. That scared me terribly because I thought he was the one I was meant for. I was so certain it would last, but then my feelings turned completely around. I didn't feel anything for him anymore and I still don't. I barely remember what we had. The person I went to to fall out of love, I ended up falling for him too. It seemed to be the same circle of events, but I knew it wasn't meant to last. I was just waiting for the day he would decide to breakup with me. Either way, for now, love isn't real for me. I'm not looking for love anymore. There's no use to. I'm too young to be held down by a boy (or girl, for that matter). Especially until I find out who I really am. I want to be successful. I want to find someone genuinue, not someone with a huge ego. I want someone who is proud of me, and proud to be with me. I don't really want to be shown off as some sort of trophy, but I don't want someone to hide me from everyone else.

So, my friend Candi and I are planning on going out on Friday and getting my lip pierced. She's pretty sure that they've lowered the law in NC to sixteen years old. I've asked mom about it and she doesn't want me to do it. And she says techically, since I'm still 17 and I live under her roof, I should follow her rules and wait until I turn 18. The thing is, I've wanted this done since I was in the ninth grade, I've only had one piercing my entire life (my ears in 3rd grade, which i didnt take care of because i was a tomboy and i <3ed mud!), and I think I'm a pretty good kid that doesn't do anything bad and I deserve something like this. And now I can actually legally get it done myself without her consent. I had her talked down pretty good the other night and she was like "just ask your dad." So, I finally got a chance to ask him last night. He said AND I QUOTE, "No, I don't want you to get it done because everyone will get the same impression of you as someone who has their tounge pierced." I replied, "I'm not going to go down on a guy, okayyyy?" Everyone seems to be obsessed with the way I look. They don't want me to look a certain way so that they won't look bad as parents. Either way, I want to get it done. I'm calling before hand to see if the laws are still like that and if they are, I will probably get it done anyway. So, if I disappear for a year or so, that's why! :]]] but when I come back, I'll have plenty of pictures of the hole in the center of my bottom lip. <3